Fox In The Henhouse
by isabella2004
Summary: Ten years after she went missing, Penny Logan's body is found dumped in a vacant lot. Wracked with anger and guilt, Mike vows to find the killer. Chapter 5 now up!
1. Chapter 1

**I started a story a while ago called "Elastoplast for a Bullet Hole" about Mike avenging his wife's death. I never took that story anywhere, so I've decided to start a new one following a similar theme. I hope you enjoy it – please read and review.**

**All characters, except Penny and all original ones flowing from her, belong to Dick Wolf.**

**Chapter One**

**Tuesday 14th August 2005**

It was almost midnight before Van Buren arrived at the crime scene. The night was warm and sticky with a light breeze and she could smell the odour of stale hotdogs and garbage. In front of her, lights had been set up over the crime scene and investigators were swarming around collecting evidence and talking to the homeless drunks who populated the area. There was a frisson of tension in the air and, as she approached, Anita felt a churning in the pit of her stomach.

"Briscoe!" She shouted over to where Lenny was peering into the hole dug in the earth. He turned and made his way towards her. Even as he approached, she could see the tightness of his features. He stopped in front of her. "Is it her?"

Lenny sighed heavily, "Looks like it."

Anita let out a long, shaky breath. "So what do we have so far?"

They started to walk back over to where Ed was standing waiting. "They're digging foundations for a new apartment block," Lenny replied, "Guy freaked out when he found it. A skeleton - not much else." They stopped at the edge of the hole and Anita looked down. In the hole, she could make out the perfect shape of a skeleton.

The ME, Melinda Warner, looked up from where she was bending over the remains. "Evening Lieutenant."

"Where's Rogers?"

"Vacation," Warner replied, "which means I get the honour." She held up her tweezers in which were caught a few strands of hair. "Look red to me. I can have them tested, see if there's a match." She didn't say to whom.

"So, it's definitely female then?"

Warner nodded, "Pelvis is small and narrow. And then there's this." She held up something which glinted in the light.

Anita snapped on a pair of gloves and took it from her. She stared at it for a long moment and then turned to Lenny, "This look familiar to you?" He nodded dumbly. "I think we should talk to Mike."

SSSS

The banging woke Mike from a deep sleep. At first, he thought it was part of the dream, but as his befuddled brain slowly swam back into consciousness, he realised that there really was someone at his door.

Dragging himself out of bed, he padded through to the door, cursing as he stubbed his toe on the edge of the coffee table. Pulling open the door, he was surprised to see Lenny.

"Hey," he greeted him, "You know what time it is?"

"Sorry to wake you."

"It's one in the morning."

"I know," Lenny replied. "Can I come in?"

"Can't it wait until later?" Lenny shook his head. "Ok," Mike stepped back and allowed him to enter. Closing the door, he turned to face his friend. "I'd offer you coffee, but you know…"

"It's not a social call."

"At this time of night? It never crossed my mind it would be." Mike yawned. "What is it? Some horrific crime that you regular cops need to toss to us in Major Case? If so, you should have called Goren, that man never sleeps."

Lenny paused and then reached into his pocket. Slowly, he pulled out an evidence bag and held it out to Mike, "Do you recognise this?"

Mike rubbed his eyes and took it from him. "What's this?" He focused on it and immediately froze, feeling icy fear grip his heart. "Where…where did you find this?" Lenny didn't reply. "Where did you get it!"

"We found…we found a body. It was dumped in a vacant lot which they're using to build new apartments…" he bit his lip, "CSU found that at the scene." Despite already knowing the answer, he asked the question again, "Do you recognise it?"

"You know I do," Mike replied, his voice wavering, "I showed it to you…before I gave it to her. You saw it on her finger for over a year…" he broke off and took a shuddering breath. "Is it her?"

"They need to run tests but…it looks like it, Mike, I'm sorry." He stepped forward to put his hand on the younger man's shoulder but Mike stepped back out of his reach.

"I want to go to the ME's office."

"Mike…there's nothing…" He wanted to spare his friend from the horrific sight.

Mike glared at Lenny determinedly, "I want to talk to the ME."

SSSS

There were dozens of cops at the ME's office. Word had clearly travelled fast. As Mike opened the door and walked down the familiar corridor, he saw them and felt himself torn. Part of him was touched by the fact that they were there, that they cared, another part of him hated the fact they were there. Hated the fact that they had come, like it was some kind of sideshow.

When he reached the autopsy room he paused, knowing that she could be lying through the doors in front of him. Or rather, what was left of her. Ten years was a long time. He sat down in one of the plastic seats and then immediately stood up again, pacing back and forth between the door and the seats, making Lenny nervous.

"Mike, why don't you sit down?" Mike didn't reply. He continued pacing, twisting his wedding ring around and around his finger. A comfortable act.

It seemed as though hours had gone past before the swing doors opened and Warner appeared. Mike immediately rushed forward to her. "Mike," she greeted him sombrely. He looked at her questioningly. "Mike…I'm sorry, but it's Penny."

Mike let out a long breath. Years of wonder, years of hope, years of despair, had now ended with those few words. "How did she…?"

"Single gunshot wound to the back of the head," Warner replied, "It would have been instantaneous."

He swallowed hard. "So she was murdered."

Warner nodded, "Yes, Mike. She was murdered."

SSSS

Everything had changed. In the last few hours, everything had changed. As he unlocked the door of his apartment and stepped inside, Mike felt that the apartment itself even felt different. He flicked on the hallway light and saw that everything was still the same.

Lenny hovered in the doorway, "Do you want me to come in?"

Mike shook his head, "No."

"Listen, Mike…" Lenny fought for the right words, "I'm sorry. I…" He trailed off.

"Thanks."

"This is going to be a big case. Everyone's going to be on it. We'll pull all the old files, go over everything again…"

"I want to be involved." Lenny didn't reply. "I mean it, Lenny. I…I _need_ to be involved. I need to find the son-of-a-bitch who did this. I need to make it up to her."

"Don't go down that road again, Mike," Lenny said, "Don't heap the guilt on yourself again. You know it's not true." He sighed, "I'll talk to Van Buren, see what she says about having you on this. But…personally? I think you're too close to this. I think you need to take a step back and let us do our job."

Mike looked at him, "Yeah, maybe you're right."

"Ok," Lenny stepped back, "I'll…I'll call you tomorrow, ok?"

"Sure." Mike closed the door without further conversation. He walked down the hallway and into the living room. Pausing at the door, his eyes swept the room, his gaze resting on the photograph that stood in the corner. Even from the distance, he could still feel her eyes bore into him. Walking over, he picked it up and looked into the face of his wife. His dead wife. Gently, he ran his fingers over the glass, over her face, trying to remember what it was like to touch her skin.

"I'm going to find who did this to you," he told her, "If it takes every last breath I have, I'm going to find who did this to you."


	2. Chapter 2

**I should have said before, I know that the time line doesn't really gel in that I know Lenny wouldn't have still be there at that time, but I felt he needed to be in it. Hope no-one minds!**

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**Wednesday 15th August 2005**

The Major Case squad room was silent when Alex Eames entered the following morning, despite the number of people sat in it. Like all of them, she had heard the news on the radio that morning and like all of them, she felt the profound sense of loss all cops did when one of their own died. Her father had called her at six-thirty that morning buzzing with the news and seemed perturbed that she already knew. Now that they had found her, they could begin the hunt for whoever killed her. Alex's father had seemed excited at the prospect.

Alex remembered the case too. Thirty-four year old Detective Penny Logan went out on a humid August night in 1995 to buy some wine from the local seven-eleven. She bought the wine, paid for it by credit card and left the store for the short walk back to the apartment she shared with Mike, her husband of six months. Only, she never made it home… and was never seen again.

Every cop in the district had searched for weeks, months. Every lead was followed, every potential witness spoken to, every potential suspect hauled in for questioning one by one, and one by one was released. Eventually, everyone gave up. Stories circulated that she had run off with someone else, that she had an accident and lost her memory, that she had really been in the middle of investigating organised crime and had gone undercover or into the witness protection programme. None of those ideas had really seemed plausible and it had been no secret that most people thought she was dead.

When Mike had come to work at Major Case, the mystery of his disappearing wife had been the first thing Alex had thought of. She had wanted to say something, something meaningful like, "I hope they find her one day," but it had never seemed quite right. She knew that Mike had searched for Penny long after everyone else stopped, but he never mentioned her to his new colleagues. There were no pictures of her on his desk, the only obvious sign that he had once ever been married was the gold band on his wedding finger.

Mike's partner, Carolyn Barek, was sat at her desk doodling on the pad in front of her. She looked up as Alex approached, "Hey."

"Hey," Alex perched on the desk, "You heard?"

"Sure, everybody did. I can't believe it, you know?"

"Yeah…I hope Mike's ok. I can't even begin to imagine."

"Must be a hell of a thing," Carolyn said, "Ten years and now…"

"At least he knows where she is."

"Dumped in a vacant lot." Carolyn threw down her pen. "Not exactly a fitting end."

Alex opened her mouth to respond when the Captain's door opened and Deakins waved to them both to come in. Stepping into the office, Alex saw that Bobby Goren, her partner, was already inside.

"The news is true," Deakins said by way of greeting, "It is Penny Logan that they found in that lot."

"We figured as much," Alex replied.

"I can't even begin to imagine how Logan must be feeling right now," Deakins went on, "but I've spoken to Lieutenant Van Buren at the 2-7 and it seems that he wants to be involved in the subsequent investigation. I've no objection to that and I've also told her that she has our complete co-operation and that we'll do anything and everything we can to help them find who did this."

"Is Mike coming in today?" Carolyn asked.

Deakins shook his head, "No. I spoke to him first thing this morning and he requested a few days leave so that he could go and be with Penny's family. Of course I told him to take all the time he needs."

Bobby spoke for the first time, "What about the funeral?"

"Not for a while yet. Not until Warner's finished examining the bones." He saw them all visibly shudder. "For now, you carry on with your case loads, but be prepared to drop everything the minute you're needed. Understood?" They all nodded. "Good." Deakins sat down at his desk and rubbed his hands over his eyes, "And let's hope we catch the bastard."

SSSS

"I knew she was dead the moment you called and told me she hadn't come home." Janet Fletcher's voice shook as she spoke, "I suppose you could call it mother's instinct. All this fuss about interviewing people to see if they had seen her, broadcasting her picture on the news and putting up flyers…I knew it was all for nothing." She swung around to face her son-in-law, "I told you that at the time."

Mike nodded, "I know you did."

"But you didn't believe me," Janet pressed, "You were _so _convinced that she had…banged her head and lost her memory…" she laughed mirthlessly, "and all the time she was lying dumped in some hole."

"Mom, please!" Penny's younger sister Louise broke in, "Let's not go over it again."

"She'd be forty-four now." Janet picked up the picture of Penny she kept on the living room table. "I'm only sorry her father isn't here. He went to his grave not knowing what happened to her. Then again, maybe it's best he's not here."

"We still don't know what happened to her," Mike said.

Janet looked up, "She was shot in the back of the head. You told us that yourself."

"I know I did, but…we don't know who shot her…or why." He looked down at his hands.

"No doubt one of those evil murderers or drug dealers that roam Manhattan. The kind of people she came into contact with day after day. I told you, I told her, you should have transferred here to Staten Island when you had the chance. If you'd done that, this would never have happened!" Janet sat down in the easy chair and put her hands over her face. "How ironic that only a year or so after she died, you ended up here yourself! Even then, you couldn't wait to get back to your precious city!"

The familiar pangs of guilt resurfaced and clutched at Mike's insides. Janet's words only served to reinforce his feelings. It had been he who had wanted to stay in Manhattan, he who had persuaded Penny in early 1995 when she suggested it that to move to Staten Island would be a huge mistake. He who had countered every argument she made about it being a better place to raise kids. Less than six months later she had gone missing.

"Not gone missing," his conscience spoke, "Been murdered."

He couldn't get his head around the fact. Couldn't believe that he finally knew where she was. To say the words out loud were almost to betray the hope that he had held all these years, the hope that one day she would come home and wonder what all the fuss was about. In the hours that followed the grim discovery, Mike had lain in the dark in his bed repeating the words over and over again to himself. "Hello, my name's Mike Logan and my wife's been murdered."

"Do you want some more tea, Mike?" Louise's question brought him out of his reverie.

"Oh, no thanks," he replied.

"I expect you'll be needing to get back to Manhattan," Janet said, her tone bitter, "to help with the case. Do they let husbands investigate their wives murders? I suppose even if they don't they could make an exception for Detective Michael Logan, Manhattan's finest."

"Well…" he paused, choosing to ignore her sarcasm, "I _am_ planning on being involved, but I thought I could maybe stay a couple of days and…" he broke off as Janet shook her head.

"There's no need."

"I know, but…I'd like to."

"I think it would be a nice idea, Mom," Louise added.

Janet ignored her daughter and fixed Mike with a steely look, "I don't want you here, Mike. I never wanted you to marry my daughter and I never wanted her to stay in Manhattan with you." Tears formed in the corners of her eyes, "If she had never met you, she would have married someone _here _and lived _here _where it's safe. But you didn't listen, neither of you did, and now she's dead. My baby is dead. If you want to do anything for me, you get back there and find out who did this to her. And when you do…" she stood up to her full height, all five foot three inches, "you just give me five minutes alone with him."

Mike stood up then, towering over her, "I'll find him, Janet," he replied equally as determinedly, "but believe me, you'll have to get in line."

SSSS

At the same moment, Anita was briefing the squad, filling them in on exactly what had happened the previous night and what was going to happen now.

"As you know, at roughly midnight last night, we found the body of Detective Penny Logan who has been missing for over ten years. She was last seen on August 4th 1995. She was killed by a single gunshot wound to the back of the head." She paused, "Penny was murdered. A cop. One of us. Now, some of you know her husband Mike and some of you don't. He's obviously been devastated by this and we owe it to him to find out who's responsible and bring them to justice. He's also going to be helping us with this, so…" she set her jaw, "I want every scrap of paper reviewed, every witness re-questioned, every suspect shook down. I want every lead we ever had back them re-examined and any new leads followed up immediately. This is top priority, people. The Chief of Detectives has assured me that we have every resource at our disposal. I want you to use it." She swallowed, "Penny deserves justice. Let's get that for her."


	3. Chapter 3

**Please keep reviewing!**

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**Thursday 16th August 2005**

Mike cried all the way back to the city, huddled in a corner on the deck of the ferry, the wind whipping away his tears as quickly as they rolled down his face. It had been years since he had cried over Penny, preferring instead to lock her away in his heart and think of her as a fading memory, and once he started, he found he couldn't stop.

He wished that if he had to lose her, that it had been different. He wished she had taken a bullet and died in his arms, or had an accident and been put on a life support machine. Despite how macabre it might sound, he would have preferred either of those options that to know that she had spent the last ten years rotting.

When they docked at the pier, Mike strode off regardless of the people looking at him and headed immediately for the 2-7. With no sleep and his mother-in-law's words ringing in his ears, he was determined to get started on the investigation.

The squad room was a flurry of activity. Boxes of files and papers were strewn on desks, detectives pouring over them. The sight made Mike pause in his tracks. They had to be Penny's files. As he stood at the door, watching, he could feel himself transported back all those years, sitting at his desk cracking jokes with Lenny, Penny coming up behind him and gently ruffling his hair or hitting him playfully.

"Mike?" Jolted from his thoughts, he turned to see Lenny standing in the doorway behind him. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to help, like I told you."

"Van Buren said you had taken a couple of days to go to Staten Island."

"I went and now I'm back." Mike stepped into the room and everyone immediately fell silent. They watched as he walked over to his old desk. Looking up he glanced around at them all, "What?"

"Mike," Lenny came over, "you don't need to be here. Why don't we get some coffee and talk?"

"No, I want to get started." Mike lifted one of the files sitting on the desk and flicked through it. "This was one of Penny's last cases. Julian Martin. He was arrested on suspicion of murdering his mother." He looked up, "I remember Martin. He was an arrogant little weasel…is he being re-questioned?"

Ed stepped forward, "Yeah, I got that one." He moved to take the file from Mike, but the latter moved out of the way.

"Are you checking out this guy?"

"We're checking everyone," Ed replied.

"Everyone?"

"Everyone who was investigated at the time. Everyone we thought at the time might be involved."

"We?" Mike looked at him, "What the hell you talking about, you weren't even here back then. You didn't even know Penny."

Ed looked away uncomfortably. "I know, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help find whoever killed her."

"Come on, Mike," Lenny put his hand on his friend's shoulder.

"I said I wanted to get started!"

"You look exhausted."

"I'm fine."

"Mike…"

"I said I'm fine!"

"Logan!" Both men turned to see Anita standing at the door to her office, "Can I have a word?"

Mike reluctantly put the file down and followed the Lieutenant. Closing the door to her office behind him, he turned to face her, "What?"

Anita took the softly-softly tact, "How are you?"

"Do I need to keep repeating myself? I said I'm fine."

"You look as if you haven't slept in days."

"Yeah, well…" Mike rubbed his hand over his face. "It's not exactly been easy to sleep the last two nights. I keep thinking about her…about what happened to her."

"I think you should go home, get some sleep, clean up and then come back if you're so determined."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Do you want to help in this investigation?" Anita's tone grew slightly impatient.

"Of course I do," Mike replied angrily, "but everyone out there is just pussy-footing around like they're preparing for some sort of open day…!"

"You are not doing yourself or anyone else any favours by coming in here with that attitude!" Mike was stunned into silence by her change of tone. "Every detective out there is working their ass off going through all the old files, preparing to re-interview all the old witnesses and suspects. Believe it or not, they all want to catch Penny's killer too. Now we all know what you've been through, but if you want in on this then you need to act with a little professionalism. Do you understand me?" Mike sank down into a chair, letting out a long sigh as he did so. Then he put his hands over his face. Anita sat down on the edge of her desk, "I realise this is hard for you…"

"My mother-in-law blames me," Mike lifted his head, "she blames me for what happened to Penny."

"You didn't kill her."

"No…but I talked her out of moving of Staten Island, I…"

"Mike, this could easily have happened on Staten Island. Not to mention the fact that Penny was a cop long before she met you."

Mike snorted, "Janet wishes Penny had married some beat cop on the island. She reckons that she'd have a couple of grandkids and a happy family by now. I don't know, maybe she's right. Maybe if things had been different…"

"Maybe," Anita nodded, "Maybe if Penny had never met you she would have gone to Staten Island, maybe she would have married a beat cop, maybe she would still be alive." Mike looked at her, "But she didn't. She came here and met you, she fell in love with you, she stayed in Manhattan, she married you...and she died. That's what happened, Mike. You can't change that." She sighed, "I know I wasn't exactly the biggest fan of your relationship when it started…"

"You split us up as partners."

"Yeah, and I'd do it again. But she loved you, and you loved her. You looked out for each other. All I'm saying is, don't blame yourself for this. By all means, get out there and find this guy, but do it _right._"

Mike nodded, "Ok."

"The files will still be sitting here in a couple of hours. Go home and get some rest, ok?"

"Sure." Mike stood up, "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

He turned to open the door and then stopped. Turning back to Anita he sighed heavily. "Look, there's something you should maybe know. Not that it really matters now…"

Anita nodded, "What is it?"

Mike paused. He wasn't sure if he should tell. Penny had sworn him to secrecy, not wanting anyone to know until they were sure it was going to be ok. Even in the aftermath of the original investigation, he had kept quiet, not thinking the truth would make any difference. It probably wouldn't make any difference now, but he suddenly had a great compulsion to cleanse himself. "Penny was pregnant."

Anita paused, "Excuse me?"

"Ten weeks."

She walked around the desk and stood in front of him, "Why didn't you tell us this at the time?"

"Penny didn't want anyone to know, not until…well, not until she had passed the twelve week mark." He shrugged, "I promised her."

"Logan, it wouldn't have mattered, she was…" Anita stopped abruptly.

"What? Dead?" Anita looked away. "Yeah, I know that now, but I didn't know that then."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Mike opened the door, "So am I." He stepped back out into the squad room and again, the room fell silent, everyone watching as he walked over to where Ed was sitting. "Listen I…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"

Ed stood up and shook his hand, "It's ok. We're all on the same side here."

Mike nodded, "I know."

Lenny stood up, "You want a ride home?"

"No thanks. I'll walk. See you in a few hours." He headed back onto the street, pausing on the precinct steps, watching as people hurried back and forth, people who still had lives. For months, years after Penny went missing, he would search faces on the streets, wondering, hoping that one day he might bump into her. After he was almost arrested for following a woman who looked just like her, he realised he had to stop.

Mechanically he started to walk in the direction of his apartment, purposefully not seeing people, not seeing objects, not seeing anything until he was at his front door. Opening the outer door he started to climb the stairs to the second floor. As he approached the door, he stopped and looked at it. It was the same door he had gone in and out of for over ten years. Lenny had asked him once why he didn't move, get away from the memories. He had replied that he didn't want to leave, just in case, one day, Penny came back.

Sighing heavily, he put his key in the lock. Maybe it was time to move now. After all, a pile of bones in the morgue definitely proved she was never coming back.


	4. Chapter 4

"Pregnant?"

"That's what he said."

Lenny sighed heavily, "How far along?"

"Ten weeks."

"Shouldn't she have been on restricted duties?"

Anita sat down, "Yes, and she would have been had she told me."

"Why didn't she?"

"Apparently she wanted to wait until she was twelve weeks."

Lenny sat down, "Poor Mike. Wife and kid both gone."

Ed stood up, "Is it relevant? I mean it's not as if she was killed on duty. What did it matter if she was pregnant?"

"Well, how do we know that?" Anita asked. "Maybe it was someone she was investigating."

"We went through all this ten years ago!" Lenny said, "We checked all her cases, everyone involved, anyone who might have a grudge…Rey nearly drove himself crazy going back over them all."

"Have you talked to Rey?"

Lenny nodded. "Yeah. He was pretty cut up about it. She was his partner after all."

Anita nodded, "Yeah."

"Look, we didn't find anything then and odds are we're not going to find anything now."

"But did we look at everything?" Anita pressed him. "Maybe we missed something."

"Look, we went through everything, front to back, over and over again," Lenny said, "there was nothing!"

"Times change, science moves on."

"What science! There was no science at the time! There was nothing, she just vanished!"

Anita ran a hand through her hair. "Ok, ok. Get Rey down here. I want to hear what he thinks."

SSSS

Mike slept for nearly four hours. When he woke and glanced at the clock, he saw it was nearly three o'clock. After taking a quick shower, he got redressed and was about to leave when there was a knock at the door. Opening it, he was surprised to see Don Cragen standing in front of him. "Donny."

"Mike," Donny replied, "I'm sorry about Penny. I wanted to come see how you were doing."

"I'm fine. I'm just about to head back down to the precinct."

Cragen looked at him, "To do what?"

"What do you mean to do what? To help find who did this."

"Uhh…" Donny shuffled his feet, "Can I come in?" Mike was desperate to get back to the station, but he stepped back and allowed his old boss to enter. Cragen turned to face him, "So, how are you doing, really?"

"I'm fine."

"Now, why don't I believe you?"

"I don't know. I'm fine." Mike walked back into the living room, Cragen following.

"Where have I heard that before?"

"What you talking about?"

"Max Greevey? Remember him? I do, and I sure as hell remember your reaction when he died. You gave an Oscar winning performance of the 'I'm fine' routine."

"So did you! Besides that was years ago!"

"Fourteen to be precise."

Mike sat down on the sofa. "Fourteen…I seem to be collecting shot partners. Max, Phil, Penny…"

Cragen sat down opposite him. "Last I heard Phil was happily retired and spending his days with his grandkids."

"Yeah well…lucky him."

"I also remember you not being too thrilled about getting Penny as his replacement."

Mike laughed, "Yeah, I gave her a pretty hard time." He looked away. "She was the best partner I ever had though."

"Better than Briscoe?"

"Way better."

Cragen paused, "At the end…she wasn't your partner, Mike."

He looked down at his hands, "Yes she was."

"Look, I need to know that you're dealing with this whole thing properly."

"They not giving you enough to do over at SVU? You have to take care of me too?"

"I'm serious."

"So am I." Mike sighed. "You talk about Max? I spent hours sitting in Olivet's chair, at _your _insistence, going over and over his death and how I felt about it. Listening to her going on about how it wasn't my fault, I couldn't have done anything, the seven stages of grief…"

"And?"

"And what? I've been through them all already."

"You only found out she was dead two days ago."

Mike shook his head, "No…no I've known for years." He stood up and walked over to the window. "Couple of years after she disappeared I went into the bedroom, opened the closet and took out all her clothes. I was going to take them to a charity store but instead, I put them in bags and put them in the guest room. Couldn't bring myself to give them away. I guess I just didn't want to take that final step and admit that she was really gone. I thought it would be betraying her. That's why I stayed on in this apartment…went to the same places we always went to just in case…stuck to the same routine…" He paused, "Now I know for sure, I don't need to do that any more."

Cragen sat forward, "I don't want you to do anything stupid."

"Like what?" Mike laughed and turned around, "Kill myself?"

Cragen shrugged, "Maybe."

He shook his head again. "I'm Catholic, remember? It's still a sin. Besides…" he took a deep breath, "the thing that scares me most isn't the thought of having to go on without her. It's that I already have."

Cragen came to stand beside him. "It's been ten years."

"Sometimes it feels like a hundred."

"It's not a crime to move on."

Mike let out a long breath. "You remember Suzanne Taylor?" Cragen looked thoughtful. "Pregnant hooker murdered by Gianni Utzielli back in '98?"

"Oh yeah," Cragen sighed, "We lost Profaci."

Mike nodded. "You remember her sister, Georgeann?"

Cragen cocked his head on one side. "I get the feeling I know where this is going. You had a thing with her?" Mike nodded. "Like I said, it's not a crime."

"I didn't mean for it to happen and I never brought her here." He sighed. "It petered out…I got into it for all the wrong reasons. Saw it as my way back to Manhattan, and…"

"And what?"

"And she wasn't Penny."

Cragen put his hand on Mike's shoulder. "I know you'll find whoever did this."

Mike nodded, "Yeah." He watched as Cragen walked back towards the apartment door. "Thanks for dropping by."

Cragen turned. "I was thinking about something on my way here."

"What's that?"

"They found her engagement ring, right?"

"Right."

"Where's her wedding ring Mike?"


	5. Chapter 5

"Sorry Mike," Warner looked up, "It wasn't among her personal possessions."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Mike sighed heavily and ran a hand over his eyes, "What else was found at the scene, besides her engagement ring?"

"Her badge. That's what tipped the cops who found her off."

Mike looked at her, "That's it?" Warner nodded. "But, what about her purse, her cards, her keys?"

"There was nothing else found with Penny except the ring."

"She left the apartment that night with her purse," Mike confirmed, "she was going to buy wine."

"No trace of any wine bottle either and we searched the surrounding area thoroughly at the time."

"I don't get it. Why leave her engagement ring and badge and take everything else?"

"I don't know," Warner replied, "I wish for your sake I did." She put her head on one side, "I heard about the baby. I'm sorry."

"Boy, good news really travels fast." Mike glanced at her sideways, "Was there..? I mean, did you find..?"

"No," she replied quickly, "it would have been too early."

He nodded, "Can you tell anything? Besides the fact she was shot in the head?"

Warner sighed, "Bones only tell us so much, Mike. If your question is, did she suffer before she died…I'm afraid I can't tell you with any certainty. I wish I could."

He nodded, "Thanks anyway."

SSSS

Rey Curtis sat with his back against the wall. "I went over and over this at the time. Jesus, I've gone over and over it every day since. There was nothing in any of our case files, nobody from those cases who would want to hurt Penny."

"That's what I said," Lenny chipped in.

Van Buren held up her hand, "Ok, so over the last ten years, nothing has jogged your memory?"

Rey glared at her, "You're acting as if _I _killed Penny."

"That's not what I said…"

"I could barely look Mike in the face after she disappeared because I was so worried it had something to do with something I might have done. The knowledge that she was killed that night doesn't make me feel any better."

"What about Julian Martin?"

"Martin?" Rey looked at Anita. "He was accused of killing his mother."

"But he didn't do it."

"No," Lenny replied, "she killed herself and set him up."

"I seem to remember giving him a particularly rough ride in interrogation," Rey said, "You don't think he's involved, do you?"

Anita shrugged, "He did threaten us."

"Yeah, with a lawsuit, not murder," Rey sighed, "and he was pissed at me, not Penny. Look, the only case I remember Penny being upset about was Susan Lynch."

"Susan Lynch," Lenny echoed, "She murdered her baby."

Anita nodded, "She got off on the basis she was suffering from severe post-partum depression."

"Penny was furious," Rey continued, "She always believed Susan Lynch knew exactly what she was doing." He sighed, "I remember when we found the kid's body. She threw up at the crime scene."

"I guess now we know why," Lenny said, "Being pregnant probably made it ten times worse for her."

Rey looked up, "Pregnant?" Lenny nodded. "Shit."

SSSS

"Susan Lynch?" Mike nodded a few hours later, "Sure, I remember. She beat herself up for weeks afterwards. It was still on her mind when she disappeared."

"In what sense?" Anita asked.

"She blamed herself for the kid's death, thought she could have done something more. She never believed Lynch had depression. I had to physically restrain her from decking McCoy when the verdict came in."

"Not to mention the fact that it came out at the trial that Lynch was pregnant again," Rey added.

Mike nodded, "Exactly."

Anita chewed her lip thoughtfully. "Where is Lynch now?"

"I looked her up," Lenny said, "she moved out of the city two years after the trial with her husband and son."

"Where?"

"Delaware."

Mike shook his head, "Why would she be involved? She was acquitted. She didn't have a grudge. Anyway, whoever did this took all Penny's things apart from her engagement ring and her badge. That's gotta mean something. I don't think Susan Lynch would have been smart enough to make that kind of statement. From what I remember she wasn't exactly that bright."

"Maybe we should talk to Skoda," Anita offered, "get some kind of profile on this person." She looked at her detectives. "It might get us somewhere."

"I'm up for anything," Lenny said, "we're at a dead end at the moment."

"Mike?"

Mike looked up. "Sure, why not?"

"Will you talk to Skoda?"

Mike glanced around, "Me?" Anita nodded. "Why?"

"Skoda never knew Penny. You can tell him what she was like."

"I thought this was about creating a profile of whoever killed her?"

"It is. But everything can help."

Mike stood up and shook his head. "I'm done with shrinks, ok? I'm not talking to any more."

"Mike," Anita stood up. "It could be the key to finding who killed her."

"No. You get a profile done if you want, but…don't make me a part of it." He turned and walked out of Anita's office, back through the squad room and out into the fresh air where he took a long, deep breath. He couldn't help feeling as though the walls were closing in on him. He wanted to find out who killed Penny, of course he did, but it just felt so oppressive at times. The constant questioning, the remembering. He had spent the past ten years slowly forgetting. All the old wounds were being re-opened and it was painful.

SSSS

This…means…nothing…this…means…nothing…this….means…nothing…

The words reverberated around his brain as he thrust in and out, in and out, in and out. Sex was so repetitive, so predictable, so unsatisfying. He felt her come beneath him, he came quickly after her and then rolled off of her onto his back. They lay in silence for a while, neither saying anything.

"You staying for dinner?"

He shook his head, without looking at her, "No."

She sat up in the bed, "You want a drink?"

"No." He sat up and rolled to the edge of the bed, picking up his clothes from the floor and starting to put them on.

She sighed heavily behind him, "I'm getting tired of this, Mike."

"Tired of what?"

"You, turning up here, fucking me and then pissing off. Why don't you just leave some money on the nightstand on your way out?"

He turned and looked at her, "I'm sorry, Kate. But I told you that this is all it would be."

"Yeah, yeah," she pouted, "I'm not your dead wife."

"What did you say?" She didn't reply. "What the fuck did you say?" He saw a flash of fear in her eyes as he rolled back over and grabbed her arm. "Don't talk about her, ok? You know what this is, Kate. It's just sex. It's always just been sex."

"At least it used to be fun," she replied. "At least you used to at least pretend to enjoy it."

"Yeah well…" he let her go and stood up, zipping up his pants. "That was then."

"You know what? Don't bother coming back, ok? I'm not into fucking for no reason."

"Could have fooled me." Without a backward glance, he walked out of the bedroom, out of the apartment and into the stairwell. Instead of making his way downstairs to the main door, he sat down on the top step and ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry Pen."


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry it's been so long :)**

**Friday 17****th**** August 2005**

The following morning, Mike found himself sitting opposite Dr Emil Skoda. He hadn't wanted to come, but Anita had called him again the previous evening and browbeaten him into the appointment. He had told himself all the way to the shrink's office that it wasn't a session about him; it was a session where he could tell Skoda about Penny. When Skoda had shown him into the office, he had sat down dutifully in the patient's chair and waited for the psychiatrist to start. But he hadn't. He had merely looked at Mike as though waiting for him.

"You going to start this or am I?" Mike asked finally.

"Whenever you feel ready, just let me know."

"Let you know what? This is supposed to help you build up a profile on Penny's killer. It's not a personal session for me."

"You don't think you need help working through her death?"

"No. I've dealt with it."

Skoda put his head on one side, "In what way?"

"What do you mean, in what way? I've dealt with it. I've…moved on."

"So, Penny isn't the first thing you think about in the mornings or the last thing you think about at night."

"Not anymore."

"What about in the last few days?"

"Well…sure. I just found out for sure that she's dead. It's been playing on my mind."

"So, you haven't really moved on."

"Ok, you know what?" Mike got to his feet, "I didn't want to come here and I'm realising that I was right, so if you don't mind…"

"Tell me about her," Skoda interrupted, "Tell me about Penny."

Mike paused, "What do you want to know?"

"What would you like to tell me?"

"Do you always answer a question with a question?"

Skoda smiled, "Professional habit. Please." He gestured back to the chair.

Mike sat reluctantly back down. "She was a great cop, although I didn't think so at first. We started working together in 1994 after my partner Phil got shot. I made life difficult for her at first but, after a while…" he trailed off, remembering, "Anyway, once the lieutenant found out, she split us up as partners."

"That must have been difficult when you'd made a connection."

"Well we were sleeping together at that point so I guess she thought we couldn't separate the two."

"Did you think you could?"

"Sure," Mike shrugged, "but then we were never tested."

"And what about when she disappeared?"

"We'd been married for six months and she was pregnant." Mike looked Skoda firmly in the eye.

"That must be hard to accept. That she died along with your child."

"I try not to think about that."

"Really?"

"I don't think about the baby." Mike's gaze never faltered. He didn't trust his emotions if he looked away. "So how does this help you build a profile of her killer?"

Skoda rubbed his chin, "Her friends, her acquaintances. What sort of people did she mix with?"

Mike thought back, "She didn't have many friends. The few she did were good friends. People she'd known from her childhood on Staten Island or other cops from the academy."

"No-one in her life that you considered to be unsuitable?"

Mike laughed, "It was New York circa 1994 not Victorian England. I didn't have any influence over who Penny associated with."

"You didn't answer my question."

"No, there was no-one that I considered to be unsuitable."

"Cases that she was working on?"

"The squad are dealing with that angle."

Skoda nodded, "Of course. What kind of person was Penny? On a personal basis, I mean, not as a cop."

"Well, she was…" Mike coughed, "She was friendly and open and warm. She had a kind heart…" he stopped, "I really don't know what you're looking for here."

"I'd like you to do an exercise for me, Mike," Skoda said.

"If you ask me to stand on my head I'm outta here."

"No, not that kind of exercise. I'd like you to go home and write down everything you can about Penny. What she was like, her interests, her friends, anything you think might be relevant."

"And then what? Burn it in a purple candle while chanting?"

"No, bring it back to me. It'll help me with the killer's profile."

"Ok," Mike stood up reluctantly, "If you think it will help."

"Thank you for coming," Skoda shook his hand, "and if you ever want to talk again for personal reasons…"

"I won't," Mike cut him off, "but thanks for the offer."

XXXX

Back at the apartment, Mike went into the spare room, opened the cupboard and took down a box sitting innocently on top of the shelf. It was heavy and he grunted under its weight, letting it drop onto the floor. Dust flew up, causing him to cough and rub his eyes. It had been years since he had moved it. Getting down on the floor, he started lifting items out of it. Photo albums, scrap books and, most precious of all, Penny's diary. He hadn't known that she had kept one when she was alive. It was only after she had disappeared and he had started going through her things that he had found it.

He turned to the pages that related to her time at the 2-7 and read her words with a wry smile. _I met my new partner today. Mike Logan. Jesus, he's an asshole! You'd think he'd lost his favourite toy. I know he misses his partner but Christ…the man needs a good slap…_

He moved forward a few months. _I slept with Mike last night. I didn't intend it, but it just happened. I'm so glad it did. It was incredible. Just the way I would have imagined it to be…_

A few months later. _I'm so in love. I can't write any more save that._

He turned to the last entry, written the day before she disappeared. _I'm so excited. Two more weeks until my first scan. Two more weeks until we can start telling people. Mike keeps walking around with a stupid grin on his face. I know he's excited about being a Daddy. I hope it's a boy. I think he'd like a son…_

He closed the diary and placed it down on the floor beside him. Reading the words was almost like hearing her say them. Foraging back into the box, he lifted out the other items. Her jewellery box, containing the few worthless trinkets that she had held so dear. Opening it, the decrepit tune sounded, so old and warped that it sounded more like a cat screaming. He lifted the pieces out and looked at them one at a time. Pearls that her mother had given her, some other old beads, a broken gold watch and a silver brooch.

As he looked, something in the corner caught his eye. It looked like the edge of a piece of paper caught in the folds of the box. He tried to grab it but his fingers were too big so, taking the pin from the brooch, he speared the paper and began dragging it up. It wasn't big, hardly bigger than a Post-It note and folded many times. He lifted it out and opened it to reveal an address.

"42 Riverside Gardens." He repeated it to himself, hoping that it might jog a memory, but try as he might, it made no sense.

XXXX

"No, I've never heard of it," Penny's mother said when Mike called her. "Where is it?"

"I don't know," he replied, "I was hoping you might."

"Despite popular misconception I am not the address book of America," Janet bit back, "Hold on and I'll ask Louise." Mike waited as there was muffled conversation in the background. "No, she's never heard of it either. I've lived here for over forty years. It can't be an address on Staten Island."

"Thanks anyway," he said, "I'll try over here."

"Are you still no closer to finding out who did this to her?" Janet asked.

"We're working on it," Mike replied before hanging up the phone. He didn't want to hear any more criticism. He paused and then grabbed the phone book which lay under the coffee table. He opened it and then stopped. It would be a fruitless task. Then he thought about using the Internet. Mike hated computers, but they were a necessary evil in today's police force. Eames was like some sort of whiz on them. He and Goren often found themselves exchanging glances whenever she started talking about them.

He turned on the computer and fired up the Internet. He then went to the AT&T page and put in the address. He waited as the egg timer counted down its attempt to locate the page. Suddenly, hundreds of addresses appeared on the screen and he realised he hadn't restricted it to New York. Making the change, he was left with 2 addresses. Once in Queens and one in the Bronx. He wrote them both down and then brought up both maps to give him a clue as to where they both were. When he had satisfied himself that he knew where he was going, he closed down the computer, grabbed his jacket and headed outside.

As he climbed into the car and started the engine, he suddenly thought that there had been nothing on the scrap of paper which indicated that the address was even in New York. He paused. It could have been one of the hundreds of other addresses that originally came up.

"But what are the odds?" he asked himself. Then he moved the car out into the traffic and headed for Queens.


End file.
